Disillusioned
by minimumstitch
Summary: Why Ianto will never watch another film with Jack. Sorry, I was in a very silly mood when I wrote this


Jack snorted, there was no other word for it, he snorted! Then he began to mumble under his breath.

Finally, Ianto had enough; he paused the film and turned to Jack. "Alright, what's the problem this time? We haven't managed to watch a single film without you pointing out the inaccuracies. What the hell could be wrong with 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe'?" He demanded.

"Oh come on! Don't tell me you can't see it?" Jack replied incredulously.

"See what? All I see is a pleasant faun, standing under a lamppost, offering to help a young girl. What the hell is wrong with that?"

Jack grinned. "That's just it, fauns aren't pleasant. They are pains in the asses. Over-sexed goat boys that won't take no for an answer! Mr Tumnus is cute and fluffy; he should be filthy and leering!"

"Oh for God's sake, Jack! It is a character from a children's book, they are not going to have a randy faun coming on to a child. Besides fauns are mythological creatures, they don't exist!" Ianto fumed.

Jack pulled Ianto up off the couch, smirking as he got his shoes and coat. "Right, come with me." Ianto looked resigned, knowing that it was useless trying to get any answers out of Jack when he was in this kind of mood. As soon as he got his shoes and coat on he was dragged out of the front door.

Ianto got into the car and sat stiffly, his arms folded across his chest, staring out of the window before rolling it down to smell the fresh ozone scent of snow in the air. After an uncomfortably silent car trip they stopped outside a rundown building, condemned notices covering the doors and windows. Before he could start tearing strips off of Jack, the door opened and a figure beckoned them in.

Ianto and Jack followed the figure through the rundown building until they came to a solid looking door, incongruous with the rest of the decrepit building. As the figure opened the door, there was a blast of noise and light and suddenly they were in the midst of a bustling nightclub, hits of the 1980's blaring.

Jack grinned at Ianto's dumbfounded expression as he took in the mix of characters. There was every life form imaginable in the large room; all of them partying like there was no tomorrow. There was a brief moment of tension as the creatures took in Captain Jack Harkness, head of Torchwood and Ianto Jones, his right hand man, before relaxing when they realised they were not there in an official capacity.

Ianto looked around and spotted a weevil in a shiny gold cat suit, body-popping to 'It's My Prerogative'. Just as he was coming to terms with that disturbing vision, the song ended and was replaced with Black Lace's 'Agadoo'. This seemed to be a firm favourite, as tentacled, insectoid, bipedal, quadruped and every other imaginable body-shaped creature took to the floor. He watched with a strange kind of fascination as they attempted to "Push pineapple, shake the tree".

Ianto's study of the bizarre dance floor was cut short when he felt a hand cup his arse, squeezing gently. He turned around, expecting to find Jack standing there, mischievous grin on his face. Instead, he was faced with a rather disturbing version of Mr Tumnus. He took in the sight, starting from the metallic blue painted hooves, moving up the hairy, matted legs, before stopping at the faun's crotch (there was no doubt in Ianto's mind that the creature was pleased to see him). He swiftly moved passed over its groin to the rather hairy chest, covered with a blue, satin "MC Hammer" style jacket and medallion.

When Ianto got to the faun's face, he grimaced as he licked his lips (Ianto could only suppose he was trying to be seductive). As the faun opened his mouth to speak, Ianto gagged on the blast of alcohol and bad breath that hit him.

"Hey there, dreamboat! I'm Billy. How 'bout I buy you a drink and show you a good time?" The faun leered.

"Sorry, I'm taken!" He looked around, desperately trying to find Jack, only to spot him grinning and waving at him, before commencing "to do the hula and play ukulele". He gritted his teeth and turned to Billy, who by now had moved from leering to full on groping.

"Alright, that's it! If your hands are not off me in the next 3 seconds, you're ability to have kids will be severely hampered. 1…2…3…You can't say you weren't warned!" Just as Ianto was about to raise his knee, a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him back, flush against a warm, hard chest. He turned his head to see Jack, sweaty and grinning, his head resting on Ianto's shoulder.

"Billy! What have I told you about getting grabby?" Jack asked.

The faun glared at the two men. "Alright, it was just a bit of fun. I just wanted to show him a good time! You know how much fun I can be." He shot a look at Jack who just glared at him, ignoring Ianto's shudder of disgust.

"Time to go! Goodnight Billy, you're on your last warning. If I hear of you stalking another creature, I'll make sure you are barred from every club in Wales." He ignored the faun's bleat of protest and turned to Ianto, who was shaking his head. "What?" He asked warily.

Ianto frowned. "I'm never watching another film with you again! You have managed to totally corrupt my childhood memories. Not only do I find out that Mr Tumnus is a lecherous old goat, I find out that he's shagged my boyfriend!" He walked away, muttering under his breath about Muppets, luck dragons and sand fairies.

Jack followed silently, hanging his head, resisting the urge to tell Ianto exactly what had happened when he had met Miss Piggy (He should have known she had just been using him to make Kermit jealous).


End file.
